the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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