Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
