1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
