I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
