Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
