dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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