Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
