I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
