I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
