I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
