Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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