hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
