I think my vagina is haunted
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
