he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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