2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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