you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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