Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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