maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
