Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
