1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
