So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sober January is a disaster.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
