Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
