My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
