PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
