I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
