So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
