the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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