why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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