this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
