we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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