My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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