I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
There r osticjed everywhere
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
