You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
MIDGETS
????
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
