I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
