You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
