what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again