Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?