it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.