I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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