1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
