I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
