I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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