He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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