apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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