She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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