i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
