its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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