I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
