Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
