GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
