i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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