I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
