What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
