biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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