I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize