Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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