I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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