Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
