Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I smell like Dick and happiness
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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