I accidentally had phone sex last night
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
