I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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