Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
