life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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