I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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